Before I start spouting off maple-tinged patriotism, I'd first like to apologise for my lateness in posting. It's been a long time. I shouldn't have left you without a dope beat to step to. Step to step to step to...
Today is Canada Day, and for Americans who barely know their own history I'll briefly explain what that means. On July first, 1867, four British colonies joined together in a federation called the Dominion of Canada. They were Nova Scotia, New Brunswick and the Province of Canada, which split into Ontario and Quebec. This act of federation created an independent Kingdom out of Canada, although Britain held some degree of power until 1982.
What does all that mean to me, a 22-year-old almost college graduate who at this point has lived in the United States for three quarters of my life? It means so much.
Being a Canadian citizen means belonging to a country with a rich history, not entirely bloodless but devoid of imperialism. It means being a part of a true melting pot, a place where multiculturalism has worked almost from its beginning. When I lived in Vancouver, my friends were Indian, Chinese, Anglo, Russian, and were Christians, Sikhs, Muslims, and Buddhists. That diversity would not be reached again in all my years of living in America, until I finally got to college.
Canada is my North American escape pod. If I need to distance myself from the American tendencies of illegal war, environmental degradation and cultural imperialism I know I always have a home above the 49th parallel.
I am proud of the Canadian soldiers who gave their lives in the poppy fields of Flanders during the Great War. I am proud of the men who stormed Normandy in World War II. I am proud of the government's decision to stay out of Korea and Vietnam. I am proud of the soldiers giving their lives as we speak in Afghanistan, the war that's almost forgotten as the rest of the world wonders what the hell is going on in Iraq.
I love hockey, I love universal health care, I love gay marriage. I love Don Cherry, I love the Kids in the Hall, I love SCTV, I love Dan Aykroyd. I love that Toronto is the kind of place where a draft-dodging Rick James can play bass alongside Neil Young in the Mynah Birds, Motown Records' first rock band. I love that the beer is cold and different from water, unlike its American counterparts. I love that I can sing the national anthem without straining my voice or mentioning bombs. I love the juxtaposition of beavers, loons, sailboats, polar bears, and Queen Elizabeth II on money.
God keep our land glorious and free. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee!
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Elixir of the Gods
Take one barely-solid Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut, lovingly nestled in the tender embrace of a piece of Wisconsin's finest cheddar, crispy fried slices off the backs of the finest swine in all the land, and delectable beef hewn from the hardiest cattle, followed of course by the inevitable second Krispy Kreme. This adds up to the closest mankind has ever come to literal metaphysical transformation: this is quite literally the elixir of the gods.
When base humanity in its squalor meets up with the heights of heaven, certain inevitable side effects result. One subject reported a near instantaneous mood change, causing brusqueness with the waitress. This was followed with physical and emotional apathy, and this subject's psyche was not one that would prove to make a return to the summit that is Lutherburger.
When this writer encountered theoculinary bliss (Latin theo God + Latin culinarius, from culina kitchen) it was something struggled with but eventually succumbed to. Rays of ethereal pleasure emanated throughout the entire being, beginning of course primarily in the tongue region. The process was disorienting to be sure, but exhaustingly stimulating as well.
Would we prove ourselves able to remount this Everest? Some said no, they could no more look at meat itself ever again after the experience. Some said that the main impediment to the Lutherburger being a staple of future consumption was the fact that it requires frequenting two restaurants (Krispy Kreme and a reputable burger joint). Nonetheless, it is truly the kind of experience that separates the men from the boys. It separates diabetes, heart disease etc. from so-called "health and wellbeing" as well. The truly great potential Übermenschen among us will choose wisely.
When base humanity in its squalor meets up with the heights of heaven, certain inevitable side effects result. One subject reported a near instantaneous mood change, causing brusqueness with the waitress. This was followed with physical and emotional apathy, and this subject's psyche was not one that would prove to make a return to the summit that is Lutherburger.
When this writer encountered theoculinary bliss (Latin theo God + Latin culinarius, from culina kitchen) it was something struggled with but eventually succumbed to. Rays of ethereal pleasure emanated throughout the entire being, beginning of course primarily in the tongue region. The process was disorienting to be sure, but exhaustingly stimulating as well.
Would we prove ourselves able to remount this Everest? Some said no, they could no more look at meat itself ever again after the experience. Some said that the main impediment to the Lutherburger being a staple of future consumption was the fact that it requires frequenting two restaurants (Krispy Kreme and a reputable burger joint). Nonetheless, it is truly the kind of experience that separates the men from the boys. It separates diabetes, heart disease etc. from so-called "health and wellbeing" as well. The truly great potential Übermenschen among us will choose wisely.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
This Career is Taking Off
Fans of my writing, were they to exist, would perhaps be interested to know that I am a rapper. As such, I have created a Myspace Music page. I am MC G-Rock and the page is here. There is unfortunately no music up there yet, as I am working on finishing my own beats to replace work I have done with other artists', albeit without their permission, such as the late J Dilla (RIP), Madlib, MF DOOM, and the like.
Subject matter includes foreign language excursions into the fields of German sausage production and romance, Finnish census data, benefits and risks of unhealthy behaviour like cigarettes and unprotected sex!
Subject matter includes foreign language excursions into the fields of German sausage production and romance, Finnish census data, benefits and risks of unhealthy behaviour like cigarettes and unprotected sex!
Everyone Should Bite Into a Pig Right Now
I recently started eating meat last week after being a vegetarian for a year. The main reason for this sea change was bacon. One night after a long day of classes and what have you, i could not think of anything else. I lay awake in bed, my loins longing for the sweet embrace of crispy fried strips of pig. The next morning I ate some, and it has been a staple of my diet in the days since.
Ethically, I feel compelled to point out that we are perfectly justified to utilise a pig for the purposes of providing bacon. Utilitarianism, the fact that killing the pig provides a greater good for society at large (bacon). With human beings, even if someone has no worth to society, we tend to keep them alive because they have inherent worth, and can create things like Thriller, Revolver, Purple Rain, It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back, Fargo Rock City...
The most a pig could hope for is for a career in the growth industry of industrialised bacon extraction. A pig is not going to create the complete works of Shakespeare, even if there is an infinite amount of pigs. A pig is not going to create the next Moonwalk or perversely pervasive urban dance hit a la Crank Dat Soulja Boy. Bacon is a marvelous career opportunity to benefit society.
Ethically, I feel compelled to point out that we are perfectly justified to utilise a pig for the purposes of providing bacon. Utilitarianism, the fact that killing the pig provides a greater good for society at large (bacon). With human beings, even if someone has no worth to society, we tend to keep them alive because they have inherent worth, and can create things like Thriller, Revolver, Purple Rain, It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back, Fargo Rock City...
The most a pig could hope for is for a career in the growth industry of industrialised bacon extraction. A pig is not going to create the complete works of Shakespeare, even if there is an infinite amount of pigs. A pig is not going to create the next Moonwalk or perversely pervasive urban dance hit a la Crank Dat Soulja Boy. Bacon is a marvelous career opportunity to benefit society.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Tricks N Tips
Acceptable Forms of DNA Evidence to Leave at a Playground
1. Blood, as long as it's yours.
2. Saliva, as long as it's not on the children.
3. Skin cells, as long as they aren't from your genitals.
4. Hair, as long as it's not from your genitals.
5. Semen, accompanied by a notarized letter of consent from a member of the opposite sex above the age of eighteen.
Unacceptable Forms of DNA Evidence to Leave at a Playground
1. Other people's blood.
2. Saliva on children.
3. Skin cells from your genitals.
4. Genital hair.
5. Semen under most other circumstances
1. Blood, as long as it's yours.
2. Saliva, as long as it's not on the children.
3. Skin cells, as long as they aren't from your genitals.
4. Hair, as long as it's not from your genitals.
5. Semen, accompanied by a notarized letter of consent from a member of the opposite sex above the age of eighteen.
Unacceptable Forms of DNA Evidence to Leave at a Playground
1. Other people's blood.
2. Saliva on children.
3. Skin cells from your genitals.
4. Genital hair.
5. Semen under most other circumstances
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Free speech smothered, not enough ideas exchanged
Remember when college was about the free exchange of ideas and challenging pre-existing worldviews? Me neither.
There has been a disturbing trend in academia for the past few decades, and MSU is a prime example. In the name of so-called tolerance, people and groups in opposition to entrenched moderate liberalism are suppressed. When Chris Simcox of the Minuteman Civil Defense Corps spoke on campus, opponents made a scene and got themselves arrested. When Nazis spoke in Lansing, massive amounts of people counterprotested. When someone’s dry-erase board bears homophobic graffiti, a serious meeting is called instead of getting out the eraser.
I love immigrants and gay people, hate Nazis and especially love gay immigrants. However, the Constitution does not include a right to not be offended. The excuse given is that the First Amendment doesn’t protect speech intended to incite violence. That is an important distinction to be made, but I think that as a group of adults MSU should be mature enough to make it. Either respectfully pay attention to all views or ignore the offensive ones. Wouldn’t you rather be entertained by a crazy YAF-er or other wingnut than be bored by the 50 millionth ineffectual Democrat?
Published on Wednesday, March 19, 2008 in the State News
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Come On and Slam and Welcome to the Jam
Facebook has an awe-inspiring corporate synergy item through CBS Sports. Fill out a bracket for the NCAA men's basketball tournament, and if you win somehow you get Internets Money. If you know me, you'll know there are few things I care about more than athletic competition. When the weather gets warmer, and the plants and animals awake from their slumbers, young men's thoughts turn to college basketball.
I figured the best way to fill out a bracket is to do so scientifically. Each game is a contest between two mascots. They fight valiantly, until one of them reaches a grisly death. Writing about each individual game will take up too much space, plus will be confusing without the aid of a bracket. So I'll give you the more interesting matchups.
Whenever a wildcat opposes anything, they lose. They look mean in the logos, but according to Wikipedia, a wildcat is the same species as the housecat, living outdoors. At one point in the tourney I have the Georgetown Hoyas facing the Gonzaga Bulldogs. Hot bulldog on bulldog action! However, Gonzaga wins because a "Hoya" is not a real thing.
Michigan State wins against the Memphis Tigers to enter the Elite Eight. Generally, tigers did extremely well. They are fearsome indeed. However, I base my confidence in Spartans' tigerfighting abilities on the movie Gladiator. Russell Crowe killed a tiger, I'm pretty sure. Gladiators = Spartans for my purposes. Alas, the Spartans are eliminated when they are drowned by the perfect storm of the Miami Hurricanes.
Going into the final four, we have the South Alabama Jaguars (10) playing the Cal State Fullerton Titans (14). A jaguar is an extremely impressive jungle cat, and would no doubt do much better when not facing a gigantic mythological creature. CS Fullerton wins and goes to the championship. On the other side, the Miami Hurricanes (7) face the Duke Blue Devils (2). This is a tough one. Just like in Pokemon, the water-based abilities of the Hurricanes are a perfect match for the fire and brimstone of the Blue Devils. However, the Blue Devils win because a Devil has near-unlimited supernatural powers.
The championship game: Blue Devils vs. Titans. One for the ages! Mythological creature against mythological creature in the biggest feud since Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. At first glance, CS Fullerton has the advantage with their immense size. However, it is finite. The Blue Devils have shapeshifting ability, limited only by their need to remain blue. In this respect they are not unlike the Genie from Aladdin. Blue Devils give themselves a size and strength advantage, and become national champions!
I figured the best way to fill out a bracket is to do so scientifically. Each game is a contest between two mascots. They fight valiantly, until one of them reaches a grisly death. Writing about each individual game will take up too much space, plus will be confusing without the aid of a bracket. So I'll give you the more interesting matchups.
Whenever a wildcat opposes anything, they lose. They look mean in the logos, but according to Wikipedia, a wildcat is the same species as the housecat, living outdoors. At one point in the tourney I have the Georgetown Hoyas facing the Gonzaga Bulldogs. Hot bulldog on bulldog action! However, Gonzaga wins because a "Hoya" is not a real thing.
Michigan State wins against the Memphis Tigers to enter the Elite Eight. Generally, tigers did extremely well. They are fearsome indeed. However, I base my confidence in Spartans' tigerfighting abilities on the movie Gladiator. Russell Crowe killed a tiger, I'm pretty sure. Gladiators = Spartans for my purposes. Alas, the Spartans are eliminated when they are drowned by the perfect storm of the Miami Hurricanes.
Going into the final four, we have the South Alabama Jaguars (10) playing the Cal State Fullerton Titans (14). A jaguar is an extremely impressive jungle cat, and would no doubt do much better when not facing a gigantic mythological creature. CS Fullerton wins and goes to the championship. On the other side, the Miami Hurricanes (7) face the Duke Blue Devils (2). This is a tough one. Just like in Pokemon, the water-based abilities of the Hurricanes are a perfect match for the fire and brimstone of the Blue Devils. However, the Blue Devils win because a Devil has near-unlimited supernatural powers.
The championship game: Blue Devils vs. Titans. One for the ages! Mythological creature against mythological creature in the biggest feud since Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. At first glance, CS Fullerton has the advantage with their immense size. However, it is finite. The Blue Devils have shapeshifting ability, limited only by their need to remain blue. In this respect they are not unlike the Genie from Aladdin. Blue Devils give themselves a size and strength advantage, and become national champions!
Monday, March 17, 2008
Catholics vs. Irish: Resurrection
Abstinence-only sex education! Pedophilia! Celibacy! Lavish designer fashions! By your powers combined, I am Pope Benedict XVI!
That's right, apparently the Pope thinks he is Captain Planet. That is the only possible explanation for why he felt entitled to change St. Patrick's Day to Friday the fifteenth of March. This Pope character (real name Joseph Alois Ratzinger) claimed that we couldn't possibly celebrate St. Patrick's Day on its actual date of the seventeenth, because that day is part of "Holy Week". Holy Week, for the non-Christians, is the week that celebrates the things Jesus did before he died. Palm Sunday - riding a donkey and getting leaves waved at him. Maundy Thursday - hanging out with this girl he met in grammar school. You get the drift. So what important theological event happened on Monday, two thousand odd years ago? Nothing. Scholars suspect that Jesus spent the day working on what would have been a best-seller, "Don't Look at Me Dudes, I Believe in Evolution!"
What did happen on March 17th, many years ago, was the death of St. Patrick. He is known for driving snakes out of Ireland and converting pagans to Christianity. All reputable scientists know that there never was an Irish snake infestation, but of course that just means he was so good at snake-driving that all evidence of their existence was removed. Converting the Irish to Christianity! They must have been hideously awful brutes before their conversions. Alcoholic, subservient, inhuman brawlers. The world is eternally in St. Patrick's debt for this sea change.
Anyway, the main point of this post was to extol the virtues of infallibility. The Pope can change the calendar! The Holy See Urchin's birthday is April 16th, and he turns an impressive 81 this year. What if he decides that this year, Christmas will last an entire week? Also, it's the same week as his birthday! Yaaaay, presents!
That's right, apparently the Pope thinks he is Captain Planet. That is the only possible explanation for why he felt entitled to change St. Patrick's Day to Friday the fifteenth of March. This Pope character (real name Joseph Alois Ratzinger) claimed that we couldn't possibly celebrate St. Patrick's Day on its actual date of the seventeenth, because that day is part of "Holy Week". Holy Week, for the non-Christians, is the week that celebrates the things Jesus did before he died. Palm Sunday - riding a donkey and getting leaves waved at him. Maundy Thursday - hanging out with this girl he met in grammar school. You get the drift. So what important theological event happened on Monday, two thousand odd years ago? Nothing. Scholars suspect that Jesus spent the day working on what would have been a best-seller, "Don't Look at Me Dudes, I Believe in Evolution!"
What did happen on March 17th, many years ago, was the death of St. Patrick. He is known for driving snakes out of Ireland and converting pagans to Christianity. All reputable scientists know that there never was an Irish snake infestation, but of course that just means he was so good at snake-driving that all evidence of their existence was removed. Converting the Irish to Christianity! They must have been hideously awful brutes before their conversions. Alcoholic, subservient, inhuman brawlers. The world is eternally in St. Patrick's debt for this sea change.
Anyway, the main point of this post was to extol the virtues of infallibility. The Pope can change the calendar! The Holy See Urchin's birthday is April 16th, and he turns an impressive 81 this year. What if he decides that this year, Christmas will last an entire week? Also, it's the same week as his birthday! Yaaaay, presents!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Popular Science
I spent the better part of the weekend buried deep within the bowels of the MSU Library. I was doing important research; dealing with issues that any man or woman must wrestle with if they are to become a well-rounded citizen. I'm speaking of course of helicopters. What otherworldly forces act upon those glistening blades, propelling helicopters ever higher towards the firmament? Dr. Peter Pablo of Duke University wrote a preeminent study on the topic, and I think his main conclusions are unavoidable:
Having solved the problem of flight, that bane of mankind that has stumped the greatest minds from DaVinci to the misguided Wright brothers, Dr. Pablo turns his attention to another scientific marvel: That of earthquakes. What mysteries of the soil and stone cause such destruction in their wake? The mainstream scientific community spouts blasphemy about so-called "plate tectonics"; in reality, they need look no further than the work of Dr. Pablo. In his landmark 2007 study entitled, cryptically, "Vibrate", he once again reduces the wonders of Creation to a few easy to remember points.
- Take your shirt off.
- Twist it around your hand.
- Spin it like a helicopter.
Having solved the problem of flight, that bane of mankind that has stumped the greatest minds from DaVinci to the misguided Wright brothers, Dr. Pablo turns his attention to another scientific marvel: That of earthquakes. What mysteries of the soil and stone cause such destruction in their wake? The mainstream scientific community spouts blasphemy about so-called "plate tectonics"; in reality, they need look no further than the work of Dr. Pablo. In his landmark 2007 study entitled, cryptically, "Vibrate", he once again reduces the wonders of Creation to a few easy to remember points.
- Make that ass vibrate.
- Make that ass vibrate.
- Make that ass vibrate.
- Shake that shit until you start an earthquake.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
These Statistics Could Save Your Life
This just in, from the Centers for Disease Control:
1. Give a man chlamydia, and he has chlamydia for a day. Teach a man how to contract chlamydia, and he'll have chlamydia for a lifetime.
2. Gonorrhea in the hand is worth syphilis in the bush.
3. The early bird catches the human papilloma virus.
4. Keep your chancroids to the grindstone.
5. Aim for the crabs; if you fall short you'll land among the scabies.
6. There's no I in herpes.
1. Give a man chlamydia, and he has chlamydia for a day. Teach a man how to contract chlamydia, and he'll have chlamydia for a lifetime.
2. Gonorrhea in the hand is worth syphilis in the bush.
3. The early bird catches the human papilloma virus.
4. Keep your chancroids to the grindstone.
5. Aim for the crabs; if you fall short you'll land among the scabies.
6. There's no I in herpes.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Robot Penis, Activate!
I've always wondered about the quality control that goes into condom manufacturing. A cursory glance at a prophylactic box will tell you that they are tested; aside from that, no one knows for sure. I've heard that the testing can be as little as having a light shone on them. As I imagine it, each condom factory contains hundreds of robot penises.
Take that as you will, it could be as simple as a metallic phallus on an assembly line, or a fully formed Robo Sapiens having its way with some unlucky line worker.
I decided to take matters into my own hands and call Trojan. What is it with web designers making their sites look like hopelessly difficult to navigate cityscapes? It's terrible and was already played out in '97. I finally found out that Trojan is a subsidiary of the Church & Dwight Company, which makes Arm & Hammer baking soda.
Corporate: "Hello, how may I be of service etc."
Me: "Hi, I have a question about Trojan condoms."
C: "OK."
K: "What goes into the testing process? How do you test the condoms?"
C: "OK, let me see if I can divulge that information."
...
C: "Sir? Unfortunately that falls into the realm of proprietary information, and could also constitute giving medical advice, so I'm not going to be able to give that information." He was saying that the secret of condom testing could be used to make my own Rival Condoms and run Trojan out of business. Also, it somehow involves medical advice? If I got dick problems, I ain't calling Trojan.
K: "OK...I actually have a specific question. Does the testing involve robot penises? I think that would make the most sense, can you just tell me if it involves robot penises?"
C: "I can't divulge that."
Somewhere out there, some Decepticon is thrusting ever so gently, and The Man is trying to keep it from us.
Take that as you will, it could be as simple as a metallic phallus on an assembly line, or a fully formed Robo Sapiens having its way with some unlucky line worker.
I decided to take matters into my own hands and call Trojan. What is it with web designers making their sites look like hopelessly difficult to navigate cityscapes? It's terrible and was already played out in '97. I finally found out that Trojan is a subsidiary of the Church & Dwight Company, which makes Arm & Hammer baking soda.
Corporate: "Hello, how may I be of service etc."
Me: "Hi, I have a question about Trojan condoms."
C: "OK."
K: "What goes into the testing process? How do you test the condoms?"
C: "OK, let me see if I can divulge that information."
...
C: "Sir? Unfortunately that falls into the realm of proprietary information, and could also constitute giving medical advice, so I'm not going to be able to give that information." He was saying that the secret of condom testing could be used to make my own Rival Condoms and run Trojan out of business. Also, it somehow involves medical advice? If I got dick problems, I ain't calling Trojan.
K: "OK...I actually have a specific question. Does the testing involve robot penises? I think that would make the most sense, can you just tell me if it involves robot penises?"
C: "I can't divulge that."
Somewhere out there, some Decepticon is thrusting ever so gently, and The Man is trying to keep it from us.
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