Catholics vs. Irish: Resurrection

Abstinence-only sex education! Pedophilia! Celibacy! Lavish designer fashions! By your powers combined, I am Pope Benedict XVI!

That's right, apparently the Pope thinks he is Captain Planet. That is the only possible explanation for why he felt entitled to change St. Patrick's Day to Friday the fifteenth of March. This Pope character (real name Joseph Alois Ratzinger) claimed that we couldn't possibly celebrate St. Patrick's Day on its actual date of the seventeenth, because that day is part of "Holy Week". Holy Week, for the non-Christians, is the week that celebrates the things Jesus did before he died. Palm Sunday - riding a donkey and getting leaves waved at him. Maundy Thursday - hanging out with this girl he met in grammar school. You get the drift. So what important theological event happened on Monday, two thousand odd years ago? Nothing. Scholars suspect that Jesus spent the day working on what would have been a best-seller, "Don't Look at Me Dudes, I Believe in Evolution!"

What did happen on March 17th, many years ago, was the death of St. Patrick. He is known for driving snakes out of Ireland and converting pagans to Christianity. All reputable scientists know that there never was an Irish snake infestation, but of course that just means he was so good at snake-driving that all evidence of their existence was removed. Converting the Irish to Christianity! They must have been hideously awful brutes before their conversions. Alcoholic, subservient, inhuman brawlers. The world is eternally in St. Patrick's debt for this sea change.

Anyway, the main point of this post was to extol the virtues of infallibility. The Pope can change the calendar! The Holy See Urchin's birthday is April 16th, and he turns an impressive 81 this year. What if he decides that this year, Christmas will last an entire week? Also, it's the same week as his birthday! Yaaaay, presents!