I spent the better part of the weekend buried deep within the bowels of the MSU Library. I was doing important research; dealing with issues that any man or woman must wrestle with if they are to become a well-rounded citizen. I'm speaking of course of helicopters. What otherworldly forces act upon those glistening blades, propelling helicopters ever higher towards the firmament? Dr. Peter Pablo of Duke University wrote a preeminent study on the topic, and I think his main conclusions are unavoidable:
- Take your shirt off.
- Twist it around your hand.
- Spin it like a helicopter.
In this way we see before us, brilliantly elucidated, the mechanics of flight in simple prose. One needs nothing more to "raise up" than a humble garment.
Having solved the problem of flight, that bane of mankind that has stumped the greatest minds from DaVinci to the misguided Wright brothers, Dr. Pablo turns his attention to another scientific marvel: That of earthquakes. What mysteries of the soil and stone cause such destruction in their wake? The mainstream scientific community spouts blasphemy about so-called "plate tectonics"; in reality, they need look no further than the work of Dr. Pablo. In his landmark 2007 study entitled, cryptically, "Vibrate", he once again reduces the wonders of Creation to a few easy to remember points.
- Make that ass vibrate.
- Make that ass vibrate.
- Make that ass vibrate.
- Shake that shit until you start an earthquake.
It is the trembling of the human posterior that causes such destruction. We may not yet have the hubris to control the heavens, but we must be careful with this knowledge that we can, with our jubilant rumps, control the earth.
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