I've always wondered about the quality control that goes into condom manufacturing. A cursory glance at a prophylactic box will tell you that they are tested; aside from that, no one knows for sure. I've heard that the testing can be as little as having a light shone on them. As I imagine it, each condom factory contains hundreds of robot penises.
Take that as you will, it could be as simple as a metallic phallus on an assembly line, or a fully formed Robo Sapiens having its way with some unlucky line worker.
I decided to take matters into my own hands and call Trojan. What is it with web designers making their sites look like hopelessly difficult to navigate cityscapes? It's terrible and was already played out in '97. I finally found out that Trojan is a subsidiary of the Church & Dwight Company, which makes Arm & Hammer baking soda.
Corporate: "Hello, how may I be of service etc."
Me: "Hi, I have a question about Trojan condoms."
C: "OK."
K: "What goes into the testing process? How do you test the condoms?"
C: "OK, let me see if I can divulge that information."
...
C: "Sir? Unfortunately that falls into the realm of proprietary information, and could also constitute giving medical advice, so I'm not going to be able to give that information." He was saying that the secret of condom testing could be used to make my own Rival Condoms and run Trojan out of business. Also, it somehow involves medical advice? If I got dick problems, I ain't calling Trojan.
K: "OK...I actually have a specific question. Does the testing involve robot penises? I think that would make the most sense, can you just tell me if it involves robot penises?"
C: "I can't divulge that."
Somewhere out there, some Decepticon is thrusting ever so gently, and The Man is trying to keep it from us.
4 comments:
Actually, I think I saw a "How It's Made" episode on condoms. They stick each condom on a metal dildo and inflate it with air, checking for stresses and leaks.
I *think*.
Follow-up: http://www.safesense.com/howrmade.shtml
I didn't know that how condoms are made is considered medical advice! Yikes! Love you!
i *think* robotic condoms are a swell idea, and I strongly encourage safe sex practices by all robots, whether artificial or human. However, I am somewhat concerned about their applicable use to sex with celestial beings - extraterrestrial entities - that is - aliens. I have had sex with five aliens so far, and each time I have questioned the advantage of using condoms as a contraceptive. Each alien has warned me of the consequences of disobeying their telepathic orders, which they threaten my life with using telepathy... If they don't work, does that mean I can sue the manufacturers of these condoms under US CODE: 15 U.S.C.S. Section 1125(a)
which states (in part)
(a) Civil action
(1) Any person who, on or in connection with any goods or services, or any container for goods, uses in commerce any word, term, name, symbol, or device, or any combination thereof, or any false designation of origin, false or misleading description of fact, or false or misleading representation of fact, which—
(A) is likely to cause confusion, or to cause mistake, or to deceive as to the affiliation, connection, or association of such person with another person, or as to the origin, sponsorship, or approval of his or her goods, services, or commercial activities by another person, or
(B) in commercial advertising or promotion, misrepresents the nature, characteristics, qualities, or geographic origin of his or her or another person’s goods, services, or commercial activities,
shall be liable in a civil action by any person who believes that he or she is or is likely to be damaged by such act.
(2) As used in this subsection, the term “any person” includes any State, instrumentality of a State or employee of a State or instrumentality of a State acting in his or her official capacity. Any State, and any such instrumentality, officer, or employee, shall be subject to the provisions of this chapter in the same manner and to the same extent as any nongovernmental entity.
(3) In a civil action for trade dress infringement under this chapter for trade dress not registered on the principal register, the person who asserts trade dress protection has the burden of proving that the matter sought to be protected is not functional....
[look it up]
If lawful, I would like to pursue this violation under the strictest penalties of the law. So it is written, so it shall be done.
Quod erat demonstrandum
Quod erat faciendum
Post a Comment