Shall I Be a Corporate Shill? Why, Yes!

Popular Science

I spent the better part of the weekend buried deep within the bowels of the MSU Library. I was doing important research; dealing with issues that any man or woman must wrestle with if they are to become a well-rounded citizen. I'm speaking of course of helicopters. What otherworldly forces act upon those glistening blades, propelling helicopters ever higher towards the firmament? Dr. Peter Pablo of Duke University wrote a preeminent study on the topic, and I think his main conclusions are unavoidable:

• Take your shirt off.
• Twist it around your hand.
• Spin it like a helicopter.
  

In this way we see before us, brilliantly elucidated, the mechanics of flight in simple prose. One needs nothing more to "raise up" than a humble garment.

Having solved the problem of flight, that bane of mankind that has stumped the greatest minds from DaVinci to the misguided Wright brothers, Dr. Pablo turns his attention to another scientific marvel: That of earthquakes. What mysteries of the soil and stone cause such destruction in their wake? The mainstream scientific community spouts blasphemy about so-called "plate tectonics"; in reality, they need look no further than the work of Dr. Pablo. In his landmark 2007 study entitled, cryptically, "Vibrate", he once again reduces the wonders of Creation to a few easy to remember points.

• Make that ass vibrate.
• Make that ass vibrate.
• Make that ass vibrate.
• Shake that shit until you start an earthquake.

It is the trembling of the human posterior that causes such destruction. We may not yet have the hubris to control the heavens, but we must be careful with this knowledge that we can, with our jubilant rumps, control the earth.

These Statistics Could Save Your Life

This just in, from the Centers for Disease Control:

1. Give a man chlamydia, and he has chlamydia for a day. Teach a man how to contract chlamydia, and he'll have chlamydia for a lifetime.

2. Gonorrhea in the hand is worth syphilis in the bush.

3. The early bird catches the human papilloma virus.

4. Keep your chancroids to the grindstone.

5. Aim for the crabs; if you fall short you'll land among the scabies.

6. There's no I in herpes.

Robot Penis, Activate!

I've always wondered about the quality control that goes into condom manufacturing. A cursory glance at a prophylactic box will tell you that they are tested; aside from that, no one knows for sure. I've heard that the testing can be as little as having a light shone on them. As I imagine it, each condom factory contains hundreds of robot penises.

Take that as you will, it could be as simple as a metallic phallus on an assembly line, or a fully formed Robo Sapiens having its way with some unlucky line worker.

I decided to take matters into my own hands and call Trojan. What is it with web designers making their sites look like hopelessly difficult to navigate cityscapes? It's terrible and was already played out in '97. I finally found out that Trojan is a subsidiary of the Church & Dwight Company, which makes Arm & Hammer baking soda.

Corporate: "Hello, how may I be of service etc."
Me: "Hi, I have a question about Trojan condoms."
C: "OK."
K: "What goes into the testing process? How do you test the condoms?"
C: "OK, let me see if I can divulge that information."
...

C: "Sir? Unfortunately that falls into the realm of proprietary information, and could also constitute giving medical advice, so I'm not going to be able to give that information." He was saying that the secret of condom testing could be used to make my own Rival Condoms and run Trojan out of business. Also, it somehow involves medical advice? If I got dick problems, I ain't calling Trojan.
K: "OK...I actually have a specific question. Does the testing involve robot penises? I think that would make the most sense, can you just tell me if it involves robot penises?"
C: "I can't divulge that."

Somewhere out there, some Decepticon is thrusting ever so gently, and The Man is trying to keep it from us.