In this world, there are animals and plants. You've got your fungus, bacteria, probably some other stuff. Today I'm dealing with animals, and they can be ranked in order of intelligence. Obviously, human beings are on top. Who's on the bottom? The horse.
If you are a girl attending an elementary school, you might not like what I've got to say. Your love of horses is well-documented, but ultimately unfounded. Read and learn.
A horse is irrational. Everyone knows that violence is rarely justified, but when implemented must be proportional. If I kick you: by all means, kick me back promptly. What does a horse do? It doesn't kick you after you sit on its back and kick it. It kicks you when you are standing innocently behind it. You might even be feeding it or shoveling its shit. Ingrate.
Horses think that they are too cool for the food chain. Everyone knows that a short fish eats a tall fish. Tall fish eats grande fish, and grande fish is in turn eaten by venti fish. A horse is too dumb for this. Horses get eaten by an animal that is at most a quarter of its size. Horses get eaten by dogs, and yet dogs are considered stupid? Think again.
Horses are too stupid for evolution. Evolutionary theory tells us that every species is working as well as it possibly can. Alas, not the horse. A horse has a design flaw. A horse has feet, four of them. These feet would seem to be used as every animal uses them: they make contact with the ground, and propel the horse forward via locomotion. Horses cannot accomplish this, because their feet will get hurt. Their feet are faulty, and must have metal nailed into them. To prevent pain, they must have metal nailed into them, to accomplish the task that every other animal can accomplish without aftermarket alterations.
A horse is too stupid to move its head left or right. If you want to confuse a horse, there is a simple solution. They're called blinders. If you know anything about how blindness works, there are three ways. One, masturbation. Two, some kind of disease or injury that causes eye malfunction. Three, cover your eyes completely. Blinders only cover the side of a horse's head. If a horse needs to look to the left or right, and is wearing blinders, it will be blind. Let's be clear, it has a fully functional neck. It will not use it, because it is stupid.
A horse is stupid because it holds outdated notions about femininity. All other animals have adjusted to the various gains of the women's movement since the tumultuous 1960s. Women are equal to men, and have much to offer intellectually. I guess horses missed the memo, because a female horse is synonymous with a vagina to a male horse. A horse will not notice at all if you replace the female horse that it has been living with its entire life with a warm penis-sized pouch. This is degrading, and it must stop. It also speaks to the profound stupidity of the horse.
Honestly, I could go on and on. However, at this point I fear I am beating a dead horse.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Thoughts
I make no apologies for the 6 months + since my last post. Every single drop of wisdom that you suckle from my ample teat is a gift, and I owe you nothing.
I was driving home from synagogue this past Friday night, when I looked at the car in front of me. I always read bumper stickers; this one said "My boss is a Jewish carpenter". My first thought: "That's weird, why wouldn't you just say my boss is a carpenter?" My second thought: "Wait, why wouldn't you just say I'm a carpenter?" Then it hit me: oh yeah, Jeeeeeeeeeeezus.
I realize that this isn't that big of a deal, and I'm getting my Jewish panties in a twist (note to my few readers: Jews don't have special panties, you're thinking of Mormons). However, it made me think of several things that I am now sharing for no good reason.
Jesus has basically ruined the entire profession of carpentry for the entire people of Israel. Uncle Bernie goes down to the local hardware store to get some crescent wrenches or hobnails or whatever the hell, and the clerk looks at him: "Jewish carpenter? Just like Jesus hurf durf!"
The reasoning behind this person's choice in bumper sticker, however, is not to say anything about the noble tradition of hammering wood or being a Jew. It is to say, "I'm a Christian". I'm wondering how that information is in any way necessary or interesting. Are we to believe that some ne'er-do-well with a bad case of road rage and nothing to lose will be this close to ramming the back of the unlucky Ford Windstar, when all of a sudden he looks down at the fateful bumper? "Wait just a cotton picking minute! This is a Christian van! Oh no! They surely don't deserve this vehicular homicide!" So the seemingly inane bumper sticker has just saved the very lives of Soccer Mom & the Bible Gang.
Another possible scenario: Dr. Mohammed is a Muslim abortion doctor. An unlikely profession, you say? Not so, for everyone knows that both the Islamic faith and the pro-choice movement are spawned from the deepest darkest depths of Hell. Dr. Mohammed is driving his foreign car home from Planned Parenthood, because he's had a long hard day of abortioning, and is ready to relax. Say, what's this? He looks down, and sees that he is following a car driven by none other than Onward Christian Soldiers. All the time he spent reading the Qu'ran, as well as modern medical textbooks, when all he needed to read to get the truth was this simple bumper sticker! It really made him think. He should be a Christian too! He renounces his faith and his profession and everyone lives happily ever after.
I was driving home from synagogue this past Friday night, when I looked at the car in front of me. I always read bumper stickers; this one said "My boss is a Jewish carpenter". My first thought: "That's weird, why wouldn't you just say my boss is a carpenter?" My second thought: "Wait, why wouldn't you just say I'm a carpenter?" Then it hit me: oh yeah, Jeeeeeeeeeeezus.
I realize that this isn't that big of a deal, and I'm getting my Jewish panties in a twist (note to my few readers: Jews don't have special panties, you're thinking of Mormons). However, it made me think of several things that I am now sharing for no good reason.
Jesus has basically ruined the entire profession of carpentry for the entire people of Israel. Uncle Bernie goes down to the local hardware store to get some crescent wrenches or hobnails or whatever the hell, and the clerk looks at him: "Jewish carpenter? Just like Jesus hurf durf!"
The reasoning behind this person's choice in bumper sticker, however, is not to say anything about the noble tradition of hammering wood or being a Jew. It is to say, "I'm a Christian". I'm wondering how that information is in any way necessary or interesting. Are we to believe that some ne'er-do-well with a bad case of road rage and nothing to lose will be this close to ramming the back of the unlucky Ford Windstar, when all of a sudden he looks down at the fateful bumper? "Wait just a cotton picking minute! This is a Christian van! Oh no! They surely don't deserve this vehicular homicide!" So the seemingly inane bumper sticker has just saved the very lives of Soccer Mom & the Bible Gang.
Another possible scenario: Dr. Mohammed is a Muslim abortion doctor. An unlikely profession, you say? Not so, for everyone knows that both the Islamic faith and the pro-choice movement are spawned from the deepest darkest depths of Hell. Dr. Mohammed is driving his foreign car home from Planned Parenthood, because he's had a long hard day of abortioning, and is ready to relax. Say, what's this? He looks down, and sees that he is following a car driven by none other than Onward Christian Soldiers. All the time he spent reading the Qu'ran, as well as modern medical textbooks, when all he needed to read to get the truth was this simple bumper sticker! It really made him think. He should be a Christian too! He renounces his faith and his profession and everyone lives happily ever after.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
