Elixir of the Gods

Take one barely-solid Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut, lovingly nestled in the tender embrace of a piece of Wisconsin's finest cheddar, crispy fried slices off the backs of the finest swine in all the land, and delectable beef hewn from the hardiest cattle, followed of course by the inevitable second Krispy Kreme. This adds up to the closest mankind has ever come to literal metaphysical transformation: this is quite literally the elixir of the gods.

When base humanity in its squalor meets up with the heights of heaven, certain inevitable side effects result. One subject reported a near instantaneous mood change, causing brusqueness with the waitress. This was followed with physical and emotional apathy, and this subject's psyche was not one that would prove to make a return to the summit that is Lutherburger.


When this writer encountered theoculinary bliss (Latin theo God + Latin culinarius, from culina kitchen) it was something struggled with but eventually succumbed to. Rays of ethereal pleasure emanated throughout the entire being, beginning of course primarily in the tongue region. The process was disorienting to be sure, but exhaustingly stimulating as well.

Would we prove ourselves able to remount this Everest? Some said no, they could no more look at meat itself ever again after the experience. Some said that the main impediment to the Lutherburger being a staple of future consumption was the fact that it requires frequenting two restaurants (Krispy Kreme and a reputable burger joint). Nonetheless, it is truly the kind of experience that separates the men from the boys. It separates diabetes, heart disease etc. from so-called "health and wellbeing" as well. The truly great potential Übermenschen among us will choose wisely.

This Career is Taking Off

Fans of my writing, were they to exist, would perhaps be interested to know that I am a rapper. As such, I have created a Myspace Music page. I am MC G-Rock and the page is here. There is unfortunately no music up there yet, as I am working on finishing my own beats to replace work I have done with other artists', albeit without their permission, such as the late J Dilla (RIP), Madlib, MF DOOM, and the like.

Subject matter includes foreign language excursions into the fields of German sausage production and romance, Finnish census data, benefits and risks of unhealthy behaviour like cigarettes and unprotected sex!

Everyone Should Bite Into a Pig Right Now

I recently started eating meat last week after being a vegetarian for a year. The main reason for this sea change was bacon. One night after a long day of classes and what have you, i could not think of anything else. I lay awake in bed, my loins longing for the sweet embrace of crispy fried strips of pig. The next morning I ate some, and it has been a staple of my diet in the days since.

Ethically, I feel compelled to point out that we are perfectly justified to utilise a pig for the purposes of providing bacon. Utilitarianism, the fact that killing the pig provides a greater good for society at large (bacon). With human beings, even if someone has no worth to society, we tend to keep them alive because they have inherent worth, and can create things like Thriller, Revolver, Purple Rain, It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back, Fargo Rock City...

The most a pig could hope for is for a career in the growth industry of industrialised bacon extraction. A pig is not going to create the complete works of Shakespeare, even if there is an infinite amount of pigs. A pig is not going to create the next Moonwalk or perversely pervasive urban dance hit a la Crank Dat Soulja Boy. Bacon is a marvelous career opportunity to benefit society.

Tricks N Tips

Acceptable Forms of DNA Evidence to Leave at a Playground

1. Blood, as long as it's yours.
2. Saliva, as long as it's not on the children.
3. Skin cells, as long as they aren't from your genitals.
4. Hair, as long as it's not from your genitals.
5. Semen, accompanied by a notarized letter of consent from a member of the opposite sex above the age of eighteen.

Unacceptable Forms of DNA Evidence to Leave at a Playground

1. Other people's blood.
2. Saliva on children.
3. Skin cells from your genitals.
4. Genital hair.
5. Semen under most other circumstances