Elixir of the Gods

Take one barely-solid Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut, lovingly nestled in the tender embrace of a piece of Wisconsin's finest cheddar, crispy fried slices off the backs of the finest swine in all the land, and delectable beef hewn from the hardiest cattle, followed of course by the inevitable second Krispy Kreme. This adds up to the closest mankind has ever come to literal metaphysical transformation: this is quite literally the elixir of the gods.

When base humanity in its squalor meets up with the heights of heaven, certain inevitable side effects result. One subject reported a near instantaneous mood change, causing brusqueness with the waitress. This was followed with physical and emotional apathy, and this subject's psyche was not one that would prove to make a return to the summit that is Lutherburger.


When this writer encountered theoculinary bliss (Latin theo God + Latin culinarius, from culina kitchen) it was something struggled with but eventually succumbed to. Rays of ethereal pleasure emanated throughout the entire being, beginning of course primarily in the tongue region. The process was disorienting to be sure, but exhaustingly stimulating as well.

Would we prove ourselves able to remount this Everest? Some said no, they could no more look at meat itself ever again after the experience. Some said that the main impediment to the Lutherburger being a staple of future consumption was the fact that it requires frequenting two restaurants (Krispy Kreme and a reputable burger joint). Nonetheless, it is truly the kind of experience that separates the men from the boys. It separates diabetes, heart disease etc. from so-called "health and wellbeing" as well. The truly great potential Übermenschen among us will choose wisely.

This Career is Taking Off

Fans of my writing, were they to exist, would perhaps be interested to know that I am a rapper. As such, I have created a Myspace Music page. I am MC G-Rock and the page is here. There is unfortunately no music up there yet, as I am working on finishing my own beats to replace work I have done with other artists', albeit without their permission, such as the late J Dilla (RIP), Madlib, MF DOOM, and the like.

Subject matter includes foreign language excursions into the fields of German sausage production and romance, Finnish census data, benefits and risks of unhealthy behaviour like cigarettes and unprotected sex!

Everyone Should Bite Into a Pig Right Now

I recently started eating meat last week after being a vegetarian for a year. The main reason for this sea change was bacon. One night after a long day of classes and what have you, i could not think of anything else. I lay awake in bed, my loins longing for the sweet embrace of crispy fried strips of pig. The next morning I ate some, and it has been a staple of my diet in the days since.

Ethically, I feel compelled to point out that we are perfectly justified to utilise a pig for the purposes of providing bacon. Utilitarianism, the fact that killing the pig provides a greater good for society at large (bacon). With human beings, even if someone has no worth to society, we tend to keep them alive because they have inherent worth, and can create things like Thriller, Revolver, Purple Rain, It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back, Fargo Rock City...

The most a pig could hope for is for a career in the growth industry of industrialised bacon extraction. A pig is not going to create the complete works of Shakespeare, even if there is an infinite amount of pigs. A pig is not going to create the next Moonwalk or perversely pervasive urban dance hit a la Crank Dat Soulja Boy. Bacon is a marvelous career opportunity to benefit society.

Tricks N Tips

Acceptable Forms of DNA Evidence to Leave at a Playground

1. Blood, as long as it's yours.
2. Saliva, as long as it's not on the children.
3. Skin cells, as long as they aren't from your genitals.
4. Hair, as long as it's not from your genitals.
5. Semen, accompanied by a notarized letter of consent from a member of the opposite sex above the age of eighteen.

Unacceptable Forms of DNA Evidence to Leave at a Playground

1. Other people's blood.
2. Saliva on children.
3. Skin cells from your genitals.
4. Genital hair.
5. Semen under most other circumstances

Free speech smothered, not enough ideas exchanged

Remember when college was about the free exchange of ideas and challenging pre-existing worldviews? Me neither.

There has been a disturbing trend in academia for the past few decades, and MSU is a prime example. In the name of so-called tolerance, people and groups in opposition to entrenched moderate liberalism are suppressed. When Chris Simcox of the Minuteman Civil Defense Corps spoke on campus, opponents made a scene and got themselves arrested. When Nazis spoke in Lansing, massive amounts of people counterprotested. When someone’s dry-erase board bears homophobic graffiti, a serious meeting is called instead of getting out the eraser.

I love immigrants and gay people, hate Nazis and especially love gay immigrants. However, the Constitution does not include a right to not be offended. The excuse given is that the First Amendment doesn’t protect speech intended to incite violence. That is an important distinction to be made, but I think that as a group of adults MSU should be mature enough to make it. Either respectfully pay attention to all views or ignore the offensive ones. Wouldn’t you rather be entertained by a crazy YAF-er or other wingnut than be bored by the 50 millionth ineffectual Democrat?

Published on Wednesday, March 19, 2008 in the State News

Come On and Slam and Welcome to the Jam

Facebook has an awe-inspiring corporate synergy item through CBS Sports. Fill out a bracket for the NCAA men's basketball tournament, and if you win somehow you get Internets Money. If you know me, you'll know there are few things I care about more than athletic competition. When the weather gets warmer, and the plants and animals awake from their slumbers, young men's thoughts turn to college basketball.

I figured the best way to fill out a bracket is to do so scientifically. Each game is a contest between two mascots. They fight valiantly, until one of them reaches a grisly death. Writing about each individual game will take up too much space, plus will be confusing without the aid of a bracket. So I'll give you the more interesting matchups.

Whenever a wildcat opposes anything, they lose. They look mean in the logos, but according to Wikipedia, a wildcat is the same species as the housecat, living outdoors. At one point in the tourney I have the Georgetown Hoyas facing the Gonzaga Bulldogs. Hot bulldog on bulldog action! However, Gonzaga wins because a "Hoya" is not a real thing.

Michigan State wins against the Memphis Tigers to enter the Elite Eight. Generally, tigers did extremely well. They are fearsome indeed. However, I base my confidence in Spartans' tigerfighting abilities on the movie Gladiator. Russell Crowe killed a tiger, I'm pretty sure. Gladiators = Spartans for my purposes. Alas, the Spartans are eliminated when they are drowned by the perfect storm of the Miami Hurricanes.

Going into the final four, we have the South Alabama Jaguars (10) playing the Cal State Fullerton Titans (14). A jaguar is an extremely impressive jungle cat, and would no doubt do much better when not facing a gigantic mythological creature. CS Fullerton wins and goes to the championship. On the other side, the Miami Hurricanes (7) face the Duke Blue Devils (2). This is a tough one. Just like in Pokemon, the water-based abilities of the Hurricanes are a perfect match for the fire and brimstone of the Blue Devils. However, the Blue Devils win because a Devil has near-unlimited supernatural powers.

The championship game: Blue Devils vs. Titans. One for the ages! Mythological creature against mythological creature in the biggest feud since Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. At first glance, CS Fullerton has the advantage with their immense size. However, it is finite. The Blue Devils have shapeshifting ability, limited only by their need to remain blue. In this respect they are not unlike the Genie from Aladdin. Blue Devils give themselves a size and strength advantage, and become national champions!

Catholics vs. Irish: Resurrection

Abstinence-only sex education! Pedophilia! Celibacy! Lavish designer fashions! By your powers combined, I am Pope Benedict XVI!

That's right, apparently the Pope thinks he is Captain Planet. That is the only possible explanation for why he felt entitled to change St. Patrick's Day to Friday the fifteenth of March. This Pope character (real name Joseph Alois Ratzinger) claimed that we couldn't possibly celebrate St. Patrick's Day on its actual date of the seventeenth, because that day is part of "Holy Week". Holy Week, for the non-Christians, is the week that celebrates the things Jesus did before he died. Palm Sunday - riding a donkey and getting leaves waved at him. Maundy Thursday - hanging out with this girl he met in grammar school. You get the drift. So what important theological event happened on Monday, two thousand odd years ago? Nothing. Scholars suspect that Jesus spent the day working on what would have been a best-seller, "Don't Look at Me Dudes, I Believe in Evolution!"

What did happen on March 17th, many years ago, was the death of St. Patrick. He is known for driving snakes out of Ireland and converting pagans to Christianity. All reputable scientists know that there never was an Irish snake infestation, but of course that just means he was so good at snake-driving that all evidence of their existence was removed. Converting the Irish to Christianity! They must have been hideously awful brutes before their conversions. Alcoholic, subservient, inhuman brawlers. The world is eternally in St. Patrick's debt for this sea change.

Anyway, the main point of this post was to extol the virtues of infallibility. The Pope can change the calendar! The Holy See Urchin's birthday is April 16th, and he turns an impressive 81 this year. What if he decides that this year, Christmas will last an entire week? Also, it's the same week as his birthday! Yaaaay, presents!